I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
