I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
