she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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