the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize