Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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