so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
