my phone needs a breathalizer
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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