so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I haven't been this sober since birth.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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