he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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