I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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