Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
