he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
