I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
