literally had 100 drinks last night.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
