Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
