i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
