I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
