yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
