Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
