He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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