getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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