broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
