i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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