I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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