Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He kissed a someone with a penis
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
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