I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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