ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
