I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
