: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Let's paint friendship bongs
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
