He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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