I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
