the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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