i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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