even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
