Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
