It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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