"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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