I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
