my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
