Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
