Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
