wanna go halves on a baby?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
