Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
