What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
