PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
