i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
