now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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