i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
