I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
