Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
