I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
