If i come over, it means nothing
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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