paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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