Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
